If You Only Knew

It struck me today how very odd communication by telephone actually is. I was sitting on the toilet doing what men do when they sit on toilets when my mobile rang. Now some would say that it was foolish in the extreme to even answer the phone whilst doing what I was doing but, in a rather mindless manner I pulled my phone out and answered. I then had a very normal conversation about life and work (notice those two things are separate) before hanging up and finishing up.

What I think is extremely odd about this is the enormous discrepancy between what the person on the end of the phone thought I was doing and what I was actually doing. I’m not suggesting that the person actively thought about what I might be doing (although that slight echoing sound was a dead giveaway) just that they probably imagined me in my house, or in the my car or out for coffee, non of which were even close. It then gets stranger to think that I have no idea what they are doing. My friend could have been on top of Kirsten Dunst and I wouldn’t have had a clue. The question is: how much more interesting would the world be if we could some how see exactly what someone else was doing while on the phone to us? Of course the pragmatic and/or cynical among us will say that it wouldn’t be very much more interesting at all because most of the time they would be doing very boring things or that when video phones are more widely used we shall see exactly what they are doing. However the kind of watching I’m referring to here is the purely voyeuristic kind where the watcher remains entirely unseen and un known.

What I imagine we would see is people in their natural state, for once, wholly unaffected: as your boss tells you that the poster really has to be done tomorrow he is squeezing some enormous zit on his forehead, or perhaps as your girl friend informs you that you should really get a hair cut she is prancing around in her underwear to the softly playing ‘Dirty Dancing’ sound track or even as your mother tells you that she is doing well since Granddad died she is brushing back a tear that just won’t go away. Sometimes it’s even more extreme: I heard a story of a journalist who was in a war zone being fired upon and was fearful for his life. He quickly called his family on a satellite phone and got his youngest daughter who gravely informed him for several minutes about the kid who was picking on her at school.

I’m not suggesting for a minute that we are missing out on something special or that telecommunications is robbing us of precious time spent together because, obviously if it weren’t for cell phones we couldn’t have half the conversations we do have. However, what I am saying is that if you find you self on a boring call to someone imagine what he or she could be doing. It will add a whole new dimension to your phone calls. Put aside those conservative thoughts and imagine them lying naked in a pit of jelly while seventeen virgins dance naked to the beat of a Tibetan yak drum. The thing is, they actually could be and you’d never know (apart from the tell tale rhythmic drumming).

Better still, engage in some truly adventurous phone calls. Indulge your self by realising that you could actually do anything you like and no-one will ever find out. When else can you talk to your boss all the while plucking your reoccurring back-hair? If you know someone is going to ring, make the most of it: take all your clothes off, put pegs on your nipples and get in a bath tub full of baked beans - you know you want to.